Today I’m just not feeling well. It’s one of those days where everything feels heavy and I’m slipping into a low, bleak mood. I keep asking myself, “What am I being punished for?” That thought has followed me through so much of my adult life. Memories surface easily — like the time at my cousin’s daughter’s birthday when I mentioned the name Madison as a name I liked for a daughter, and my cousin’s then‑wife overheard and claimed it for her baby. I swallowed the hurt because I didn’t want drama, and a week or two later she lost that pregnancy. I never wished that on anyone, but the moment stayed with me. Now, in the month I was supposed to have my daughter Raelynn Pauline Marie, my cousin Amber — who found out she was pregnant shortly before I lost my baby — is having her baby shower. I am truly happy for her, and I’m glad she’s finally having a girl, but the timing makes everything harder. There’s also Maci’s 16th birthday and a balloon release tonight for my cousin Darren, who passed in 2020. I decided not to go. I wasn’t invited to the shower and, although I was invited to the party, I just can’t be around a crowd today. I never used to miss Darren’s celebrations, but right now I need space — I believe he understands.
On a more practical note, I’ve been doing all the testing my IVF clinic requested. I completed blood work and an HSG; the HSG was painful but it confirmed both tubes are open, which was a relief. My OB did flag a concern on the imaging — he wants to review the results with the radiologist because he thinks my uterus may appear T‑shaped. If that’s true, it could explain my history of miscarriages and difficulties conceiving, and it would mean further treatment before any embryo transfer. The thought that this might have been missed or misdiagnosed years ago is upsetting. I’m hoping the imaging was just angled oddly or that it’s a false alarm. If I do have a uterine abnormality, the plan would be to proceed with egg retrieval and embryo freezing, then correct the uterine issue and wait two to three months before transfer. My original hope was to do most testing locally, travel to Syracuse for egg retrieval, and maybe do a fresh transfer — but plans change, and I’m ready to adapt and keep fighting.
On a brighter note, I’m finally done with my internship and will graduate in June with my bachelor’s in Birth–3rd with a special education endorsement. I took accelerated classes through WMU as part of a Michigan grant program and finished in three years instead of four — it was exhausting, but I am so proud and relieved to be done. After a year that included a house fire, losing my baby, and moving into a new home, completing school feels like a meaningful accomplishment and a positive milestone. My last day at my previous job was Friday the 8th; I loved that role, but I’m ready to heal, reset, and begin again. My next steps are to finish IVF testing, travel to Syracuse for treatment, and then start looking for a new teaching job when I return.
Mentally, I’m leaning on faith, therapy, and this blog to process everything. I follow support groups for women over 40 pursuing fertility treatments and find hope in their stories. My goal for the summer is to have a successful IVF cycle. I’ve been through so much — loss, setbacks, and pain — and I keep praying my luck will change. I’m tired of feeling punished. I’m going to keep doing the work: managing my health, resting when I need to, and fighting for this dream no matter how many obstacles come up. — Ailleen
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